I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
