True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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