how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
