Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
