How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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