I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
