You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
