pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
