u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
