Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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