I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
