You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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