there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Do you remember whose house we're in?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
