you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
