i need an iv and a liver transplant
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
she told me i tasted like america
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
