My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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