doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
