I think I died a long time ago.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Randomize
