the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
