you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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