i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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