mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
