Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
