I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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