But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
