Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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