you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
