he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
