I CAN MOONWALK!
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
