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Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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