Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
operation harelip BJ is a go
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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