Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
