I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
