Someone shit on the floor
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Pooping to opera.
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