Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I'm getting married
To pizza
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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