i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
