Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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