We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
