Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Randomize
