i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
