I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
