I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize