Only a mothe r could love this liver
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
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