When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
