i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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