After last night, I could never be a politician.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
