Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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