What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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