Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
