Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
