I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
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