Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
