how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
