I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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