if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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