Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
