if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Randomize
