I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
